


Because You Remember

by bisexualdeathcommando



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Celtic Mythology & Folklore, F/F, Selkies
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-13
Updated: 2019-10-03
Packaged: 2020-05-02 09:21:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19196041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bisexualdeathcommando/pseuds/bisexualdeathcommando
Summary: Clara and Ashildr form a deep bond and wrestle with their pasts while exploring the universe in a stolen Tardis from Gallifrey.





	1. The Long Way 'Round

**Author's Note:**

> This is a theme that I've wanted to explore for a long time, and while I add to it as I am able, I can't promise that new chapters will come out with any regularity. Please enjoy!

“Gallifrey, the long way ‘round.”

How those words had come to haunt her. Clara massaged her temples as she sat back in an armchair in the Tardis library. Fractured memories assaulted her – a crashing Tardis, fiery pursuers, terror as she hid in the library, trying to find the Doctor.

He had looked so much younger then, but his childlike demeanor had concealed the ice in his heart. The psychic had warned her in that Scottish mansion, but she hadn’t listened. The Doctor was like a mountain, layered and ancient—how could she leave without solving his mystery?

Madame Vastra had warned her, too, even before the Doctor showed her a new face, yet one so old. “What is his name?” she had asked.

Now, in the corner of a manuscript, Clara saw the Doctor’s name, and she remembered. She remembered the journey to the center of the Tardis, the fear in the Doctor’s voice as he asked who she was, and the moment he chose secrecy over trust.

Anger welled up in her. The arrogance, to think that his name was more important than their shared memories! He had betrayed her again, when he pulled her away from the Raven and tried, once more, to erase her memories. _That wasn’t altruism_ , her thoughts raged, _That wasn’t life!_ It was his own selfishness, to remove the weight of her death from his conscience.

“Can’t sleep?” Clara felt Ashildr’s body behind her.

“Look at this.” Clara pointed furiously to the manuscript. “It’s his name. The Doctor’s name.”

Ashildr examined the Gallifreyan script blankly. “Where did you get that?” she asked.

Clara rubbed the back of her neck guiltily. “The Tardises of Gallifrey seem to be telepathically linked,” she said. “I may have learned how to emulate rooms on other Tardises…like the library.”

Ashildr sighed. “When will you let him go, Clara?”

“When I’ve got all my memories back, for one!” Clara snapped. She couldn’t explain why these stolen moments had returned now. Maybe when she was only one heartbeat away from death, the universe no longer cared which secrets she knew.

Ashildr sensed her thoughts. “Still no pulse?” she commented, more as a statement than a question. She gently put two fingers to Clara’s neck, as though she were feeling for one.

Electricity shot through Clara’s spine, then somewhere deeper. She quickly stood and turned to face the woman who had travelled with her these many months. She couldn’t process these feelings, not while she was still missing memories. Not while she had no heartbeat. “Good night, Ashildr,” she said.

Ashildr responded with the same question she asked every night. “And why do I let you call me Ashildr?”

Clara smiled. “Because I remember.”

Ashildr nodded. “Because you remember.”


	2. The Woman With No Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ashildr thinks about the past and struggles with her feelings for Clara.

Ashildr closed her most recent diary and put it back on the shelf. She still preferred paper diaries to digital ones. She had learned that the digital could come and go, vanishing in an instant with no record that it had once existed.

Enough of Ashildr’s life had vanished that way. She had not written about her first life, what should have been her only life, in that village of fire in the water. She had not known that she would forget it as the years stretched the abilities of her human brain to keep up.

When had she written her first diary? Panicked that she had forgotten, Ashildr snatched the first book from the shelf. She scanned the first few pages. The dates were useless, since calendars had shifted so much through the centuries. Instead, her eyes landed on these words: “Clutching toys as they sleep, never to wake up. My children. My screams. I could not save you, little ones.”

She closed the book rather more roughly than she meant to and shoved it back into its place. Of course. She had only started writing to remind herself of the things she must never repeat. Children were the first thing she learned that she could never lose again.

In the next room, Ashildr heard muffled sobbing. Clara. She started to rise and then stopped herself.

Ashildr knew why she wanted her. In the many anguished nights she had spent on this Tardis wrestling with her desire, one theme had emerged: memory. Clara remembered that village of fire in the water, had witnessed her rebirth, had broken into her life over the years in the moments when Ashildr had forgotten herself.

_Don’t get attached_ , Ashildr told herself. _You can’t love a woman one heartbeat from death. You would forget her anyway._

Still, she ached to cross the hall, put her arms around the only woman who remembered, soothe her tears and feel the warmth of her body. Tonight, knowing that Clara was fighting with old memories, the pull was especially strong. Hadn’t she, Ashildr, spent many nights in the grip of unexpected remembrance? Shouldn’t she then comfort Clara? She could teach her what she had learned…

Ashildr stopped herself. Those thoughts would lead her nowhere productive. She dimmed the lights and wrapped a blanket around her. As she sometimes did when she was lonely, she stroked her stomach lightly, wandering up her chest and down between her legs, trying to imagine how her past lovers must have touched her. Trying to remember a time when she felt loved.

Trying to think about anyone but Clara.


	3. Island of the Selkies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ashildr takes Clara to a planet full of seals. But not everything is as it appears...

Dawn.

Except it was never really “Dawn” on a time machine. How long had she slept? Clara never really knew.

She called the time she woke up “Dawn” because the swimming fish that lived in this room turned a golden rosy color every time she opened her eyes. How fish could swim in the air, and how they ended up on the Tardis – these were questions that the Doctor could have answered. As it was, she had come to enjoy them as reliable companions in an ever-shifting environment.

She and Ashildr had come to an agreement. They took turns choosing the Tardis’ destination, with a few simple rules: no fixed points, no family, and no Doctor.

Neither of them spoke about the day when they would have to choose Gallifrey.

Ashildr paced the room on the balls of her feet, eyes flashing mischief. “You don’t know where we’re going today,” she said.

Clara raised an eyebrow. “Of course I don’t know where we’re going,” she replied. “It’s your turn to choose.”

Ashildr executed a pirouette. “Feast your eyes on this, ‘me hearty’ – a planet populated entirely by seals.”

Clara looked at the display suspiciously, ignoring the ‘me hearty’ reference for the moment. “And when you say seals, you mean--”

“Seals,” Ashildr repeated. “You know, mammals”–she gestured to her chest–“in the water”–she mimed swimming–”with fins”–and held up her hands.

Clara tilted her head. “And why is there a planet in this universe where seals reign supreme?” She may have struggled with biology in school, but now she kept a notebook of all the animals they had discovered. This planet must have an Earth-like climate, to have animals that Ashildr could readily classify. Science was so much more interesting when you could actually do it yourself.

Ashildr shrugged her shoulders. “I didn’t bother to read that far,” she admitted. “Come on, let’s go! You said that seals were your favorite.”

Clara shook her head and allowed herself to be led away. _She must have heard me crying last night,_ she thought to herself. _Damn_. Ashildr always tried to comfort her by finding places that reminded Clara of home. Clara was embarrassed to think that Ashildr had heard her crying over a few missing memories, after everything her friend had loved and lost.

They stepped out of the Tardis together and closed the door. Clara had no desire to repeat the stampeding sand-bear incident. She was still finding sand in her socks, and other places that sand had no business being. No. Best to keep creatures out of the Tardis.

Clara hugged herself. This planet—Ashildr, in her excitement, had failed to mention its name—was cold. They were standing on dark, hard-packed sand. Indigo clouds filled the sky, forming marbled patterns on the water.

And there was music. Clara closed her eyes to hear it better. The melody started low, then flung itself high in what sounded like a keening. A slow, almost eternal rhythm settled deep into her bones, pulling the pain from her and streaming it up into the atmosphere.

Eyes shining, Clara took her friend’s hand. “Ashildr,” she breathed. “It’s beautiful.” She felt Ashildr squeeze, and when she turned, tears were streaming from her friend’s face. A blackness rose from Ashildr and floated up to join the inky blue of the clouds.

They were standing on the shore of a small island. Clara could see green mountains rising up at the center. Near the summit, she thought she saw stone, but it was too far away to be sure.

Movement caught her eye. A seal—it must have been a seal, despite its deep blue skin—was making its way toward them. Clara tapped Ashildr’s shoulder. “I think someone wants to see us,” she joked.

Clara cautiously approached the seal. “Hello, little friend,” she said with a smile. “How are you today?”

Clara jumped about a foot in the air when the seal responded. “Do you know the way to the standing stones?” it asked. Clara eyed Ashildr. “Why is the Tardis translating animals?” she whispered. “It never translates animals.”

“ _Animals?!_ ” the seal sounded angry. “We are not animals. We are the seal-folk.” Before their eyes, the creature began to change, growing taller and brighter. Finally, a woman stood before them with long, dark hair and a glowing blue cloak.

“Clara, get back!” Ashildr dropped to the ground and started tracing symbols in the sand. Clara crouched behind her.

“Ashildr, what’s wrong?” she asked. She had never seen her friend in such a state.

Ashildr wasn’t listening. “Between myself and the powers of darkness,” she muttered. “Between myself and the powers of darkness, I place the sea, the sand, the rocks...”


	4. Oonagh's Wish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ashildr struggles with symbols and rhymes.

Ashildr’s hands moved almost on their own. Not from memory, as she couldn’t remember when she had last traced these symbols, but she knew them. Somehow, across the ages, her body had preserved this knowledge: an ancient protection charm against the Otherworld.

“Between myself and the powers of darkness,” she murmured. “I place the sand, the sea, the rocks…” How did the rest of it go? Why was “selkie” ringing in her head like an alarm bell?

Ashildr felt the selkie’s eyes on her and snapped back to the present. She was ages old now, and she had learned that what she had once called magic was often advanced technology in disguise. Whatever spiritual protection this charm had once offered her people, it would afford her little protection against an alien.

“Those symbols,” said the selkie. “You are from Earth, but you should be long gone.”

Ashildr smiled, but her eyes were dead. “I am long gone,” she whispered. She felt Clara’s hand on her shoulder.

“There are legends of people like you,” said Clara. “Seals who could turn into humans, who could marry and have children…but they always returned to the sea.”

 _That’s right_ , thought Ashildr. Her people had heard tales from the _Vestmen_ of creatures who rode the waves clad in sealskins.  Ill fortune was said to follow anyone foolish enough to part the creatures from their skins.  It was in moments like these that she appreciated Clara, whose curiosity and schoolteacher mind had brought much forgotten knowledge back to her.

“How do you know about Earth?” she heard Clara ask.

The selkie paused for a moment. “We are from Earth,” she explained.  “We had to leave.  The land-walkers turned away from us, forgot their stories.  Our people were dying.  Then the Doctor came, with eyes full of ghosts.  He said that he didn’t want me to be the last of my kind.”

“He brought you here,” said Ashildr.  Why did these Tardis excursions keep bringing them into contact with the Doctor?  Was there any corner of the universe that he had left unexplored?

“For all the good it did us,” said the selkie bitterly.  “I am Oonagh, and I am the only one left now.”

*          *          *

Clara let the selkie take them around the island and show them the carvings and the history, but Ashildr couldn’t concentrate.  There was something about selkies that she needed to remember, something about their skin…

“Ashildr?”  Clara was looking at her with concern.  “Is everything ok?”

Ashildr smiled at her.  “Sorry, Clara, I’m just distracted.”  There was no point in bringing up her concerns when she didn’t have anything concrete.

The selkie had brought them to a large cavern.  Water sloshed around the edges of the room, rising and falling with the tide.  Glowing symbols covered the walls, and the center held a pedestal.  On the pedestal was a deep blue cloak like the one the selkie was wearing.

Ashildr started as she recognized some of the symbols on the walls from her drawings in the sand.  “What is the place? What do these symbols mean?” she wondered aloud.

The selkie smiled.  “You do not know them?  We learned them from your people.”

Ashildr shifted uncomfortably, and Clara pointed at the cloak.  “What is that?” she asked.

“Come touch it for yourself,” said the selkie.  “It is a skin of the seal-folk.  Put it on, and you will be able to swim in the water like we do.”

“Clara, don’t do it,” Ashildr interrupted.  There was an eagerness in the selkie’s voice that she didn’t trust.  “We don’t know if the waters of this planet are the same as ours.”

The selkie frowned.  “It has been so long since I have journeyed through the waters with anyone.  I am not long for this world, and I only wanted to swim the Great Ultramarine one last time with someone before I go.  The skin will allow one of you to breathe underwater, but of course if you think it is too dangerous…”

“Not at all!” interjected Clara.  She looked at Ashildr curiously.  “It’s the selkie’s last wish, Ashildr.  You brought me here because you know I like seals.  I would love to swim as one of the seal-folk!”

Ashildr looked the selkie in the eye.  “You said that you were the last one left,” she said bluntly.  “You are wearing your skin.  Where did this one come from?”

The selkie seemed unruffled.  “It was my lover’s,” she explained.  “She was injured as we escaped from Earth.  The symbols on these walls sustain her skin but are not powerful enough to bring her back.  This is her essence – an energetic imprint.  A memorial to everything we lost.”  She sighed and gazed at the walls as though lost in thought.

Clara approached the pedestal.  “I will grant your wish, Oonagh,” she said.  “I would love to see the waters of this planet.”

Clara stretched out her hand to touch the skin, and that was when Ashildr remembered the old rhyme:

_Beware the skin without the seal_

_A host is needed in the sea_

_The sun and moon may turn the wheel_

_But parted ne’er the two will be._

“Clara, wait,” she called out, “It’s a trick!”  But it was too late – Clara’s hand touched the inky blue skin, the symbols blazed to life on the wall, and water surged into the cavern.  Clara screamed, the selkie laughed, and Ashildr cursed her mind as she raced toward her friend, searching her memories for anything that could save them.


End file.
